Wounded Hearts

I'm particularly intrigued by the role of the caregiver, a role often thrust upon those by chance. The job becomes theirs whether the person they are caring for is someone they adore or someone with whom they've had a conflicted relationship. Caregivers are often assuming the role of "the strong one"--creating an illusion of togetherness. The truth is, caregivers need outside support too. 


In the book Learning from The Heart, Daniel Gottlieb talks about his experience of being a caregiver, and being on the receiving end of caregiving. I think his advice on self-help for the caregiver and those being cared for is very useful. Gottlieb says, 


"Organizations like the Well Spouse Foundation do a terrific job. But there is another source of care for caregivers. And it can be life sustaining. If you are taking care of me and you love me, ask me what it's like for me to be ill and to be taken care of. And then just listen. And then--this part is very important--tell me what all of this is like for you. What are your losses and fears? Tell me about all of your mixed feelings and hopefully I'll be able to listen, hold your hand, smile, and feel deeply about your life. That will help you. That will help me. If we wear kid gloves when interacting with one another, we will never get to make genuine contact with the people we love and need the most." 


In her book Wounded Hearts, Rachel Naomi Remen, MD, co-founder and medical director of the Commonweal Cancer Help Program, quotes a woman addressing the mother who has been her caregiver. The poem begins with a quote of her mother's oft-repeated advice. The response is that of her daughter. The poem is titled "Mother Knows Best."


Don't talk
about your troubles
No one loves a sad face.


Oh, Mom.


The truth is
cheer isolates,
humor defends, 
competence intimidates,
control separates, 
and sadness......


sadness opens us to each other.